Josh is gone

Josh is gone and a part of me feels relieved. He was able to sign a relinquishment of his paternal rights before he left. I want to be clear due to some comments on my recent posts that I was not forcing Josh into anything. He signed at his own free will. We did disagree on the adoption. He wanted me to raise the child as a single mother and pay me child support, while seeing the baby whenever possible and being in the military, who knows how much help that would be to me.
I, on the other hand, did not want to be a single mother waiting for a 300.00 check in the mail every month in hopes that I can get diapers and food before I run out. Do I love my baby? Heck yeah! But doesn't every mother? Does a mother have to parent her child to prove her love? I want the best for the baby and I have from the beginning.

Josh is coming from a different place then me. He's not faced with what I am faced with. As I said, he just needs to budget his money a little in order to send child support. He doesn't have to worry about another year of school with a baby at his side, then college and child care, diapers, welfare and all the other issues that I would be faced with. I think he was able to see this more after he talked to the counselors.

Now I am faced with a separate dilemma, the wonderful family that I believed with all my heart was meant to be my baby's parents are uncomfortable that Josh signed prenatally after first refusing. I got a letter after talking to my counselor, but they wanted to meet with me. At least my counselor prepared me for what was going on. I was devastated. They never got to even meet Josh and discuss his feelings but they are assuming that he was pressured and they don't feel right with continuing the adoption plan with me.

This leaves me back to square one. More than that though, I am grieving the loss of what I believed was perfect. I believed with every ounce of my soul that they were the right family for this baby and even now, I still believe they have been somewhat irrational.

Josh has called me twice since leaving. He's been really nice to me each time. Last time he told me that he loved me. 3 words I haven't heard for a while. It felt nice. I think maybe our physical separation might help us both in realizing whether or not we are meant to be. Of course I hope we are because I still love him, but if not, I will deal with that and move on. I still believe he's a great guy, either way.

So there is my update and my response to some of the replies to my blog postings.

Disagreement on adoption

Josh and I disagree, hence the difference in his attitude lately. He says he will sign the adoption papers, but he doesn't want to. I find this ironic since he's going into the service. He will be gone for most of the baby's first year. When I asked him about ME, and US, together. He couldn't give me an honest answer if there would ever be marriage or even a long-term comittment of our relationship.

So I don't understand his position. I don't get it at all. He can't comitt his life to me (which is a very different story than last school year. He was all over the idea of marriage with me and moving me to where he will be when I graduate. Yet, he wants me to keep the baby so that he can pay child support and see his kid that I will be raising. Does any of this make sense to you? I feel so lost.

Yes, I'm upset that Josh and I don't seem to have a future. I broke up with him last night because I do not see the point in wasting my current emotions on something that won't be here in the long-term. Does that make me cold? He cried. Why would he cry; when he can't even say that he thinks we'll be together much longer anyway? Why be sad? I'm the one who should be sad. I am sad. I am terribly sad. I love him. Right now I just wish I'd never even met him. My life has been turned upside down.

Why I've been quiet

Hello friends!
In a recent comment, someone asked why I'm being so quiet. Don't worry, there is nothing wrong. My pregnancy is fine. I'm having a girl. I'm building a relationship with the adopting family and rebuilding one with my own. Josh and I are surviving albeit hanging on a thin thread. He's getting ready to leave for boot camp and of course he is adorable with a shaved head.

Our problems have made me begin to reaize that maybe Josh and I won't be together for life as I thought. God it's a horrible thought, but I need to be a realist. I was talking to this woman at the library and she was telling me about her high school love. She was telling me that so few high school relationships work out in the long term because we aren't completely mentally mature yet. We change. Sometimes we change in such different ways that a future together becomes impossible.

I see that happening with Josh. He is changing. He's not as outgoing as he was. He is withdrawing from me and hanging out with different people. Military people. He always said he would wait for me to graduate and join him, but then I hear a friend of his make a comment about all the women around the world he will meet. Why would he want a small town girl like me? Why wait for me? The one thing I refuse to do is keep my baby in an attempt to keep him. That is retarded. I'm not that stupid.

I love him and I hope he sticks around for the long term. He brought me flowers yesterday, so maybe I am worried for nothing, but it sure seems to me that a relationship that began in 9th grade lasting forever is really a long shot. I don't want to end up standing there looking stupid in the end. So I must face reality.

The baby is my saving grace at the moment. Her pictures are so cute. I'm no longer concerned about the weight gain because I am starting to see a little shape to my belly, her shape. It's incredible. I just keep rubbing her and talking to her and letting her know that I love her. I'm writing out a letter to her that at some point I will post here. I love her more and more each day. I asked my counselor if that was a warning sign, she said no, that is it completely normal and to keep doing it. So of course I will.

Better than wonderful

I met the baby's family. I am convinced, without any doubt, that I am making the right decision. We spent all day yesterday together and had so much fun. I love everything about them. Everything! We ended the day with a caffeine free starbucks and played a game that Kari (the mom) and I made up, which was entirely too cool. I have never met two more rockin people in my life.

I brought pictures of Josh. Kari was really understanding of my feelings about the baby and Josh and she explained to me that the problems developing between Josh and I over the adoption are most likely normal. True love will get through anything. I believe that wholeheartedly. If Josh and I are meant to be then we will be. If not, then God's plan is someone else for me.

Anywho, the weight is now really beginning to come on. I hate to sound self-centered and vain but I really hope that I don't gain too much weight. Just enough for a healthy baby will be perfect for me. I'm increasing the veggies and fruits and going to lay off of the ice cream for a while. :-)


PS: For Luann,
As of yet my parents haven't met them yet. Hopefully they will meet soon!

Found the baby's parents

I have finally met the amazing, wonderful, beautiful and PERFECT family for the baby. I am so happy to post this news and I'm sitting her smiling from ear to ear. I tell ya, I've been looking at so many parent profiles that I thought something was wrong with me. Was I being too picky I asked myself and my counselor? While she admitted that I read through more parent profiles than most other people, she assured me that I would know them when I saw them and dude she was SO right.

We meet in person tommorow morning YEAH But we've had several phone conversations and emails. The adoption will be what is referred to as a semi-open adoption. There won't be any visits, which is what I feel comfortable with but we will share lots of information and we will always have access to email one another and talk on the phone.

I fell in love with them instantly. She is a teacher who will be leaving her job until this baby is ready to go to school. He is an artist and a writer, well I guess a writer is an artist so I should probably say he is a writer and a painter. I looked into her eyes in her photographs and I saw the person that I truly believe I will be like someday, and really that is what I want for the baby. I saw pictures of them both trick-or-treating with kids, picnics with kids, swimming with kids. I saw them doing physically active things, and that is what I want for this baby.

I also saw an intense love between the two of them. That is what I want most for this baby. I want his/her parents to love each other so that I never have to worry about divorce.
I am feeling anxious and excited. I don't even know how I will sleep tonight.

The only negative is that Josh doesn't want to go. :-(
But, that's a story for another day.

Not a secret anymore

My parents know. I have to say though that I do feel a certain shame. It's hard to look my mom and dad in the eye, especially my dad. I somewhat thought that once I told them and they processed it, everything would eventually be ok. I still hope it will be. There is an odd silence around the house too and Carly is acting like she's mad. My parents said we will work through it, but I can't help but wonder exactly what they are thinking. I called about a possible living situation in a maternity home and talked to a woman named Sue. Maybe it's best that I leave here for a while. I don't know what to do.

"Came out" to my sister

Josh's graduation was on Thursday. It was so cool to watch them call his name and to mention his honors as well. One of our bff, Tim, said a speech that brought tears to my eyes realizing that a lot of my friends as well as my boyfriend will not return to school in August. The reality really hits you sorta hard. Even though I have all my up-to-11-grade- friends, I will really miss Tim, Bekka, Lisa, Jacob, Angel, Simon, Mark, Cheryl, Katie and most importantly, Josh. There were a lot of hugs and tears, promises to keep in touch, but does that really happen? Will I truly know these people in 15 years; or will they just be a memory? That thought makes me sad. I don't want just memories, I want people. I love them.

My friends went to Disneyland yesterday. Instead of opting to go with them and make up some reason why I couldn't ride the rides, I decided to stay home. They had a great time I am hearing today.

I did tell my sister - I thought she'd be shocked big time, but she wasn't. She said she knew and then showed me an email she'd written to her boyfriend about suspecting I was pregnant. Should've known..... we've always known what is happening with each other. She has very mixed feelings about me choosing adoption. Hopefully at some point we can sit and really talk about it without all the emotions getting in the way. At this point I need to tell my parents.....but I don't know how.