Josh is gone

Josh is gone and a part of me feels relieved. He was able to sign a relinquishment of his paternal rights before he left. I want to be clear due to some comments on my recent posts that I was not forcing Josh into anything. He signed at his own free will. We did disagree on the adoption. He wanted me to raise the child as a single mother and pay me child support, while seeing the baby whenever possible and being in the military, who knows how much help that would be to me.
I, on the other hand, did not want to be a single mother waiting for a 300.00 check in the mail every month in hopes that I can get diapers and food before I run out. Do I love my baby? Heck yeah! But doesn't every mother? Does a mother have to parent her child to prove her love? I want the best for the baby and I have from the beginning.

Josh is coming from a different place then me. He's not faced with what I am faced with. As I said, he just needs to budget his money a little in order to send child support. He doesn't have to worry about another year of school with a baby at his side, then college and child care, diapers, welfare and all the other issues that I would be faced with. I think he was able to see this more after he talked to the counselors.

Now I am faced with a separate dilemma, the wonderful family that I believed with all my heart was meant to be my baby's parents are uncomfortable that Josh signed prenatally after first refusing. I got a letter after talking to my counselor, but they wanted to meet with me. At least my counselor prepared me for what was going on. I was devastated. They never got to even meet Josh and discuss his feelings but they are assuming that he was pressured and they don't feel right with continuing the adoption plan with me.

This leaves me back to square one. More than that though, I am grieving the loss of what I believed was perfect. I believed with every ounce of my soul that they were the right family for this baby and even now, I still believe they have been somewhat irrational.

Josh has called me twice since leaving. He's been really nice to me each time. Last time he told me that he loved me. 3 words I haven't heard for a while. It felt nice. I think maybe our physical separation might help us both in realizing whether or not we are meant to be. Of course I hope we are because I still love him, but if not, I will deal with that and move on. I still believe he's a great guy, either way.

So there is my update and my response to some of the replies to my blog postings.