Josh and I disagree, hence the difference in his attitude lately. He says he will sign the adoption papers, but he doesn't want to. I find this ironic since he's going into the service. He will be gone for most of the baby's first year. When I asked him about ME, and US, together. He couldn't give me an honest answer if there would ever be marriage or even a long-term comittment of our relationship.
So I don't understand his position. I don't get it at all. He can't comitt his life to me (which is a very different story than last school year. He was all over the idea of marriage with me and moving me to where he will be when I graduate. Yet, he wants me to keep the baby so that he can pay child support and see his kid that I will be raising. Does any of this make sense to you? I feel so lost.
Yes, I'm upset that Josh and I don't seem to have a future. I broke up with him last night because I do not see the point in wasting my current emotions on something that won't be here in the long-term. Does that make me cold? He cried. Why would he cry; when he can't even say that he thinks we'll be together much longer anyway? Why be sad? I'm the one who should be sad. I am sad. I am terribly sad. I love him. Right now I just wish I'd never even met him. My life has been turned upside down.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Why I've been quiet
Hello friends!
In a recent comment, someone asked why I'm being so quiet. Don't worry, there is nothing wrong. My pregnancy is fine. I'm having a girl. I'm building a relationship with the adopting family and rebuilding one with my own. Josh and I are surviving albeit hanging on a thin thread. He's getting ready to leave for boot camp and of course he is adorable with a shaved head.
Our problems have made me begin to reaize that maybe Josh and I won't be together for life as I thought. God it's a horrible thought, but I need to be a realist. I was talking to this woman at the library and she was telling me about her high school love. She was telling me that so few high school relationships work out in the long term because we aren't completely mentally mature yet. We change. Sometimes we change in such different ways that a future together becomes impossible.
I see that happening with Josh. He is changing. He's not as outgoing as he was. He is withdrawing from me and hanging out with different people. Military people. He always said he would wait for me to graduate and join him, but then I hear a friend of his make a comment about all the women around the world he will meet. Why would he want a small town girl like me? Why wait for me? The one thing I refuse to do is keep my baby in an attempt to keep him. That is retarded. I'm not that stupid.
I love him and I hope he sticks around for the long term. He brought me flowers yesterday, so maybe I am worried for nothing, but it sure seems to me that a relationship that began in 9th grade lasting forever is really a long shot. I don't want to end up standing there looking stupid in the end. So I must face reality.
The baby is my saving grace at the moment. Her pictures are so cute. I'm no longer concerned about the weight gain because I am starting to see a little shape to my belly, her shape. It's incredible. I just keep rubbing her and talking to her and letting her know that I love her. I'm writing out a letter to her that at some point I will post here. I love her more and more each day. I asked my counselor if that was a warning sign, she said no, that is it completely normal and to keep doing it. So of course I will.
In a recent comment, someone asked why I'm being so quiet. Don't worry, there is nothing wrong. My pregnancy is fine. I'm having a girl. I'm building a relationship with the adopting family and rebuilding one with my own. Josh and I are surviving albeit hanging on a thin thread. He's getting ready to leave for boot camp and of course he is adorable with a shaved head.
Our problems have made me begin to reaize that maybe Josh and I won't be together for life as I thought. God it's a horrible thought, but I need to be a realist. I was talking to this woman at the library and she was telling me about her high school love. She was telling me that so few high school relationships work out in the long term because we aren't completely mentally mature yet. We change. Sometimes we change in such different ways that a future together becomes impossible.
I see that happening with Josh. He is changing. He's not as outgoing as he was. He is withdrawing from me and hanging out with different people. Military people. He always said he would wait for me to graduate and join him, but then I hear a friend of his make a comment about all the women around the world he will meet. Why would he want a small town girl like me? Why wait for me? The one thing I refuse to do is keep my baby in an attempt to keep him. That is retarded. I'm not that stupid.
I love him and I hope he sticks around for the long term. He brought me flowers yesterday, so maybe I am worried for nothing, but it sure seems to me that a relationship that began in 9th grade lasting forever is really a long shot. I don't want to end up standing there looking stupid in the end. So I must face reality.
The baby is my saving grace at the moment. Her pictures are so cute. I'm no longer concerned about the weight gain because I am starting to see a little shape to my belly, her shape. It's incredible. I just keep rubbing her and talking to her and letting her know that I love her. I'm writing out a letter to her that at some point I will post here. I love her more and more each day. I asked my counselor if that was a warning sign, she said no, that is it completely normal and to keep doing it. So of course I will.
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