Better than wonderful

I met the baby's family. I am convinced, without any doubt, that I am making the right decision. We spent all day yesterday together and had so much fun. I love everything about them. Everything! We ended the day with a caffeine free starbucks and played a game that Kari (the mom) and I made up, which was entirely too cool. I have never met two more rockin people in my life.

I brought pictures of Josh. Kari was really understanding of my feelings about the baby and Josh and she explained to me that the problems developing between Josh and I over the adoption are most likely normal. True love will get through anything. I believe that wholeheartedly. If Josh and I are meant to be then we will be. If not, then God's plan is someone else for me.

Anywho, the weight is now really beginning to come on. I hate to sound self-centered and vain but I really hope that I don't gain too much weight. Just enough for a healthy baby will be perfect for me. I'm increasing the veggies and fruits and going to lay off of the ice cream for a while. :-)


PS: For Luann,
As of yet my parents haven't met them yet. Hopefully they will meet soon!

Found the baby's parents

I have finally met the amazing, wonderful, beautiful and PERFECT family for the baby. I am so happy to post this news and I'm sitting her smiling from ear to ear. I tell ya, I've been looking at so many parent profiles that I thought something was wrong with me. Was I being too picky I asked myself and my counselor? While she admitted that I read through more parent profiles than most other people, she assured me that I would know them when I saw them and dude she was SO right.

We meet in person tommorow morning YEAH But we've had several phone conversations and emails. The adoption will be what is referred to as a semi-open adoption. There won't be any visits, which is what I feel comfortable with but we will share lots of information and we will always have access to email one another and talk on the phone.

I fell in love with them instantly. She is a teacher who will be leaving her job until this baby is ready to go to school. He is an artist and a writer, well I guess a writer is an artist so I should probably say he is a writer and a painter. I looked into her eyes in her photographs and I saw the person that I truly believe I will be like someday, and really that is what I want for the baby. I saw pictures of them both trick-or-treating with kids, picnics with kids, swimming with kids. I saw them doing physically active things, and that is what I want for this baby.

I also saw an intense love between the two of them. That is what I want most for this baby. I want his/her parents to love each other so that I never have to worry about divorce.
I am feeling anxious and excited. I don't even know how I will sleep tonight.

The only negative is that Josh doesn't want to go. :-(
But, that's a story for another day.

Not a secret anymore

My parents know. I have to say though that I do feel a certain shame. It's hard to look my mom and dad in the eye, especially my dad. I somewhat thought that once I told them and they processed it, everything would eventually be ok. I still hope it will be. There is an odd silence around the house too and Carly is acting like she's mad. My parents said we will work through it, but I can't help but wonder exactly what they are thinking. I called about a possible living situation in a maternity home and talked to a woman named Sue. Maybe it's best that I leave here for a while. I don't know what to do.

"Came out" to my sister

Josh's graduation was on Thursday. It was so cool to watch them call his name and to mention his honors as well. One of our bff, Tim, said a speech that brought tears to my eyes realizing that a lot of my friends as well as my boyfriend will not return to school in August. The reality really hits you sorta hard. Even though I have all my up-to-11-grade- friends, I will really miss Tim, Bekka, Lisa, Jacob, Angel, Simon, Mark, Cheryl, Katie and most importantly, Josh. There were a lot of hugs and tears, promises to keep in touch, but does that really happen? Will I truly know these people in 15 years; or will they just be a memory? That thought makes me sad. I don't want just memories, I want people. I love them.

My friends went to Disneyland yesterday. Instead of opting to go with them and make up some reason why I couldn't ride the rides, I decided to stay home. They had a great time I am hearing today.

I did tell my sister - I thought she'd be shocked big time, but she wasn't. She said she knew and then showed me an email she'd written to her boyfriend about suspecting I was pregnant. Should've known..... we've always known what is happening with each other. She has very mixed feelings about me choosing adoption. Hopefully at some point we can sit and really talk about it without all the emotions getting in the way. At this point I need to tell my parents.....but I don't know how.

Feelings

As Josh's graduation day approaches, I am finding myself overwhelmed with my feelings. I have such mixed emotions. He will go into the military and I will be stuck here finishing up high school without him. Thank God I have my sister and Courtney with me. I've come to the realization that he may not be here for the baby's birth, that saddens me. It's times like this when I begin to question my decisions. What have I done? What am I losing? How will I cope? I am beginning to feel the need to tell my sister now. Not a desire, but a need. I've excluded her for too long from something so big. I will tell her today after my doctor appointment. The depression is once again rearing its ugly head. I tell it to go away. Maybe I just need to sleep. I haven't had much sleep.



I'm getting ready to go to school and then I have my doctor appointment to find out how the baby is doing. Then I will tell my sister. Baby Steps, right?

Hello June!

June 2007

I finish my junior year. Josh graduates from high school. I meet my baby's adoptive parents [hopefully] and a new life begins.

I have my first doctor appointment on Monday (June 4th) and I will hopefully then find out more information about the baby. Like when to exactly expect him/her. Him/Her = Doodle (new nickname) I am thinkng that will be in late Feburary or early March of next year. It will be nice to have a date and to find out how Doodle is doing in there. I have really made an effort to take good care of the baby. I've increased my water intake to 10 glasses a day, increased my fruits and veggies, cut down on the pizza and junk food tremendously, and I've still only gained 4 lbs. Nice!

The depression continues to lift and the morning sickness has ceased. [knock on wood] I am starting to see a rainbow in my future again, and it feels so good not to be living so low in the dumps emotionally. I don't think negative emotions are good for Doodle either. I think that unborn babies can feel the emotions of the mother, the most important reason I am glad to be feeling so good again.
The beauty of June