Josh is gone and a part of me feels relieved. He was able to sign a relinquishment of his paternal rights before he left. I want to be clear due to some comments on my recent posts that I was not forcing Josh into anything. He signed at his own free will. We did disagree on the adoption. He wanted me to raise the child as a single mother and pay me child support, while seeing the baby whenever possible and being in the military, who knows how much help that would be to me.
I, on the other hand, did not want to be a single mother waiting for a 300.00 check in the mail every month in hopes that I can get diapers and food before I run out. Do I love my baby? Heck yeah! But doesn't every mother? Does a mother have to parent her child to prove her love? I want the best for the baby and I have from the beginning.
Josh is coming from a different place then me. He's not faced with what I am faced with. As I said, he just needs to budget his money a little in order to send child support. He doesn't have to worry about another year of school with a baby at his side, then college and child care, diapers, welfare and all the other issues that I would be faced with. I think he was able to see this more after he talked to the counselors.
Now I am faced with a separate dilemma, the wonderful family that I believed with all my heart was meant to be my baby's parents are uncomfortable that Josh signed prenatally after first refusing. I got a letter after talking to my counselor, but they wanted to meet with me. At least my counselor prepared me for what was going on. I was devastated. They never got to even meet Josh and discuss his feelings but they are assuming that he was pressured and they don't feel right with continuing the adoption plan with me.
This leaves me back to square one. More than that though, I am grieving the loss of what I believed was perfect. I believed with every ounce of my soul that they were the right family for this baby and even now, I still believe they have been somewhat irrational.
Josh has called me twice since leaving. He's been really nice to me each time. Last time he told me that he loved me. 3 words I haven't heard for a while. It felt nice. I think maybe our physical separation might help us both in realizing whether or not we are meant to be. Of course I hope we are because I still love him, but if not, I will deal with that and move on. I still believe he's a great guy, either way.
So there is my update and my response to some of the replies to my blog postings.
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Reflections of an Expecting Birthmother
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About Me
- Brooke
- I'm 17 years old and a junior in high school. Describing me in a few words is very difficult - read my blog and you'll get the picture.
21 comments:
Brook. I have no doubt that you already love this baby .
But what I think you do not realize is once she comes to the world your feelings and priorities may change.
You may have difficulties couple of years but than you will be with your child and it may get easier. But once you signed up those papers adoption will not go anywhere.
One or two year after she is born you will not wake up at night because of a crying baby if you keep her but you will wake up at late night years and years after, crying in your bed because you are missing your child. Half of your heart or even more is gone and empty.
Does your Counselor is helping you to see all of your options.
You seem that you do not want to hear anything or anybody telling you " KEEP your baby you will regret" .
Or at least have some time with her after birth and then you decide again . You are rushing . You have a lot of time in front of you. You can decide on adoption any time if you at least take care of your baby a while.
your love of your baby can not be compared with the love you will have once you see her face and smell her.
it will be like losing your lover, losing your future for ever. and much much worse.
You know brook .
When talking about love they say that when you really love:
" you can walk thousands of miles and you will not get tired. You can walk up the mountains or even move the mountains for the one you love " and believe me that one is your child.
I really really believe that every mother knows this feeling. A mother can not feel safe and secure when she is away from her child.
Because now your heart is at outside. it belongs to your child.
And Brook no matter what you succeed in this world if you are not loved by your child ,it starts to be meaningless .
You dream about university and becoming someone. But your child is not a burden for you. She may be your fire. The one who always supports you and believes in you and when you look at her face no matter where you are you will be at home.
That is I think what you do not understand.
You know I have heard many birth moms saying " I did not know how strong I was before, I wish I had found out sooner" .
I think Josh is really scared that this baby is going to disappear and he'll never see her again. And he thinks "maybe" somewhere down the road he'd like to be a parent. But that isn't fair any way you look at it.
You'll find parents for your baby if that is what is meant to be. Follow your heart.
Anonymous,
It is not that I do not listen to what others have said in my blog.....believe me I have listened and I have followed links and I have read blogs from birth moms who are unhappy and others who are content. I attend a group here once a week that has between 20 and 30 birth moms every week sharing and talking about their stories. I hear it loud and clear that many birth moms were coerced into signing the adoption papers, but there are many (me included) who is not being coerced. I'm making my decision upon my own thoughts, my own feelings and what I know is best for the baby in the short AND long term.
I still can't figure out how to nix anonymousresponses but they are getting on my nerves. It makes me believe that it is just one person writing several responses! Why can't you just sign your name and link to your blog?
Luann,
Josh wasn't able to understand how sending a check once a month, sending gifts and pictures and calling on the phone and a visit 3 times a year wasn't truly being a parent. He thought that would make him a good enough parent. This would continue for a minimum of 4 years, IF he didn't re-enlist. And even then, who is to say he would even choose to come here and live after 4 years? There is a good chance he would consider where he ends up "home" then and stay. Maybe he would find a wife and have more children and I'd have to take my baby off on an airplane, drop off and come back a couple times a year. Is that really a parent? In my opinion it isn't.
I totally understand where you're coming from. No it's not my idea of a perfect parent either. I know that you want more for your baby...and more for both you and Josh.
People are ALWAYS going to try to convince you that THEIR way of thinking is the ONLY way to think. Especially when it comes to members of the adoption triad.
As far as the anonymous comments.
On the top of your blog click on Dashboard
Click on Settings over on the right
Click on Comments up on top
under WHO CAN COMMENT select ONLY REGISTERED USERS
Brooke,
I did get pregnant at 16; had my son at 17; its a hard position to be put in for all you. I thought I had too; had counseling; but as I learned years later no one was neutral in my party; they all had an agenda(sigh). You seem to be a very bright young lady; follow your heart. But; make sure the decision you make you can live with 15/20 years down the road. No one; told me that when I was going through this. And; you can visit my blog; I am an open book. You can call me; if you just need to talk. Sending you lots and lots of hugs!!!! I hope are enjoying your summer:) School is already back in here; so summer is over in Atlanta.
Kell
Anything new to report?
You know there are many fairy tales which a girl wishes for something and then the wish is granted but to grant that wish the girl is asked of their first born baby and she accepts it naively.
She does not know the agreement she has accepted. But they know . The women who wants her baby knows what they bargained for.
So I see you like the naive girl in the fairy tale.
You really do not know what it will take from you.
Thats way I warn you and both of the anons was me.
But there are many nice person here . so you do not need me.
Magissa
Brooke I don't know if you're still monitoring this blog...but if you are just know I'm thinking of you and hoping you're ok.
Wow, I can't beleive I just found this blog. I can see that you haven't updated in a while, but hopefully you get the notices in your Email when someone comments.
Oh, Brook..all I can say, sweetie, is you are walking into adoption like a lamb to the slaughter. Yes, you might chhose this, you might think that you are doing the best thing you can in the situation, you might be weighing all the pros and cons and trying to make it right, but this will be the biggest most effecting thing that you ever do in your life and will continue to be the most drastically effecting thing..EVA.
It's almost odd..I can soo relate to where you are coming form. I know. I was there too.
Adoption was the answer to everything. My baby would be cared for by excellent people. I could go on with my life the way it was suppose to be. It was smart. It was wise. It made it all better. It redeemed me from being foolish enough to get pregnant in the first place. And even, as I hear in your posts, it kind of gave a bit of a screw you to my child's father. If it wasn't going to be happily ever after the way I wanted it, then it wouldn't be.
But in the long run..it was a screw me and really also, it was a screw my child. For he should have been with me all the time..from the beginning..becasue only I, his mother, understood the inside of his soul, becasue he was part of me. But I had never been a mother before, so what did I know of what I was giving up.
But you can't cheat life Brook. You can only take what it gives you and adapt. It might not be as planned, but you are pregnant and you WILL be a mother. Whether you parretn or not, you will have the heart of a mother. After you give birth, you will not be able to turn off the natural hormones that take over. You will not be able to control your emotions just becasue you choose another path. You will not be able to reprogram your baby to not need your voice, seek out your smell, long to be in the only world she has ever known. Oh, the kind counsellors at Bethany might tell you to "remember why you choose adoption in the first place, but someday, those reasons will be exposed for the weak thought that they are.
And they ARE weak. Think about 20 years from now, as you look into your grown child's eyes and imagine telling hre that you choose others to raise her becasue you couldn't imagine dealing with high school and diapers, that lack of money was enough to cause her to be given away. That you had other things to do. I know. What did I get for leaving my child with strangers who canot understand the inner makings of his soul? I got to go to some really great parties..unimcombered. Woopee.
My mother lost her first grandchild, my other children lost their brother. I bet the kind folks at Bethany don;t ask you to imagine telling your other children about why you gave their sister away, becasue I can tell you, kids don;t get it. They won;t warn you how you heart breaks when you second daughter asks if you will give her away too.
Do they tell you about the greater risks of Post tramatic Stress disorder, addictions, secondary infertility rates for religuishing mothers that is three times higher than the gerneral population? Do they give you the scientific research that has been done for decades that explain how relinquishing a child is a grief worse than death? That the feelings of depressiona and loss increase over time, not "the sadness is replaced with a sense of peace overtime" There is no peace form being away from your baby.
Do they speak how this will casue issues in relationships, in your trust forever more..that you will never really know again where you fit in, who to tell and not tell, what will they think, and to deal with the stigma of being "that kind of woman" who gives away her baby.
Do they expalin how to deal with the feelings when your grown child, who has had a perfect life, in the eyes of adoption says to you "wow this is the first time I have not felt like the outsider," when meeting your extended family and friends for the first time? How to deal with that guilt? That you kept this being who belonged with others like her away?
Now I am not a mother who was forced. I went into adoption all my own. I called the agency. I was treated like a queen. And I went on to have a good life, but there are timesa..I think avbout ti all and I go WTF!! OMG what in gods name was I thinking? I thought thisd was a good idea>? THIS was NOT a good idea!!!!And I want more than anything to go back and make it all go away> I do not want to be a birthmother anymore, but I cannot. I have no choice.
You do, Brook..and I can tell you. This is not a good idea. Mothers are not suppose to give away their babies. No matter what. We find the way. We are strong. You will have to be strong and you will be, whether you take on the birthmother mantle or you just choose to be a mnotehr... you will have to find great strenght no matter what, for you will NEVER Be the same. Your life as it is is OVER now. That's it. You cannot go back. you can only go forawd. Now you can go forawrd with tears and a pian that you have no idea how to get out of..I don;t care how much counseling they give you..it hurts more than you want to know and for ever..or you can walk away form this bad idea and take life as it comes..with your child in tow.
You can choose happines, hard work, yes, but happiness. ANd I can guareentee you that 20 years form now you will nto be on soome Blog site saying" Oh I wish I hadn't parented my daughter." You will just be living a life that has joys..and all this hard times will be far forgotten and you will be proud of yourself for doing it. WHen the morning comes and your daughter is your age, you won;t wish you had left her alone in this wold with strangers..you will be happy that she is who she is, and proud of your role, and thrilled to be what nature intended..her mother. Not her birthmother..her mother.
Now you can hate me and tell me that I am wrong, that I don;t know you, that you know what you are doing and I need help..but whatever. I have heard that all before and more form many many mothers in your showes..and the ones who did not listen to me...well they regret that now. ANd the ones who did..well they are off being happy with their children.
You said you read other blogs> Did you read mine? What did you use to write me off as not knowing what I am taking about? You might think you are differnt, but you are not. No one is immune.
ANd BRAVO!! for the PAPS who refused to wiork with you with Josh's feelings!! I could kiss them.OMG do you know how lucky you are that you really found ETHICAL people who KNEW that it wasn't cool. AND BOO to Bethany for taking a prebirth surrender from him. Thats WRONG!!!
I am not anonymous. And I will stand by every word I write.
And I think I have outdone myself on typos there, but oh well!
Dear Brooke,
So many different people's opinions, you do need to hear all sides of the story, but follow your heart, follow what you know inside is right for you, what you know is right for your baby. No one can tell you what to do, what to feel...I hope you have peace in whatever decision you make for your daughter!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBFxKHz_4z4
Watch it. It's worth it. It might save you and your child a lifetime of heartache. Then watch the video that it's a response to.
This is not the best thing for your child. Being GIVEN AWAY like so much garbage is never best for a baby.
And if there's one thing that every adoptee, and everyone in society knows is absolute fact... every adoptee was abandoned at birth.
Don't abandon your child. Keep her. SHE deserves to have her mother keep her and love her. What has she done so wrong that you would throw her away casually and as if she has harmed you in some way?
Do you really believe that when she finds out why you're getting rid of her that she'll thank you deep in her heart of hearts? Would YOU?
Dear Brooke,
I completely agree with the comment above this. People think because their decisions were right for them, everyone else should decide the same way. Or when they have made a decision that has been wrong for them, then it is wrong for everyone. You sound like a very intelligent and thoughtful young woman who can make decisions for yourself. I don't know what your relationship is or is not with God...but if you ask Him for guidance, He will give it to you, Brooke. He is for real. He loves you and is there for you. Always. My opinion, as a mother who has a daughter who cannot have a baby and is on an adoption waiting list is that you, the baby's father, and the baby are the 3 most important people, as you know. Do what is right for all of you. I believe you will. God bless you.
It's me again...I just read the comment directly above mine...that's terrible. I agree with the comment that is 2 comments above mine...to follow your heart.
It is terrible, isn't it. This baby didn't do anything wrong, but is about to get a lifetime sentence of knowing that she was rejected even before birth. Never even given a chance to prove her worth to her OWN MOTHER, just thrown away.
And then when she gets to know WHY? Because she would have ruined mom's life.
I agree, that's pretty damned terrible.
Not to mention selfish on this girl's part. She's not even doing it for the best for the child, she just doesn't want her life disrupted.
Mothers aren't replaceable. She IS that little girl's mother. PERIOD. And for all of that little girl's life, she will know that she wasn't wanted.
Just like every other adoptee.
Terrible? Truly.
Hey annon.
I think you need to educate yourself before wishing on someone to give up their baby so that you daughter may rise her.
I do not think that adoptive moms who has not read about what birth moms go through has the right to comment.
Your happiness will be somebody elses sorrow and I know this is difficult to accept for you.
if a seperation of mother and baby is not necessary and beneficial for the baby please do not try to persuade expectant moms who are not sure of their ability to parent but if helped could parent very well.
By the way I am not saying that your daughter will not be a good mom.
But the problem is there is too many infertile couples who are waiting for a baby then "baby supply " .
I hope God really sends you a baby which really truly needs a home.
Some babies who are given up for adoption already do have a home. A good home which they will not really luck anything if raised in it.
Mana
If you are a woman considering adoption, read this. I think this is one of the best resources for moms considering placement
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
Hope you are doing ok, just found your blog.
Not going to tell you not to give your child away because I never listened when I was pregnant either.
I hope you have good people around you, take care, sending you some love and good energy.
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