Josh and I disagree, hence the difference in his attitude lately. He says he will sign the adoption papers, but he doesn't want to. I find this ironic since he's going into the service. He will be gone for most of the baby's first year. When I asked him about ME, and US, together. He couldn't give me an honest answer if there would ever be marriage or even a long-term comittment of our relationship.
So I don't understand his position. I don't get it at all. He can't comitt his life to me (which is a very different story than last school year. He was all over the idea of marriage with me and moving me to where he will be when I graduate. Yet, he wants me to keep the baby so that he can pay child support and see his kid that I will be raising. Does any of this make sense to you? I feel so lost.
Yes, I'm upset that Josh and I don't seem to have a future. I broke up with him last night because I do not see the point in wasting my current emotions on something that won't be here in the long-term. Does that make me cold? He cried. Why would he cry; when he can't even say that he thinks we'll be together much longer anyway? Why be sad? I'm the one who should be sad. I am sad. I am terribly sad. I love him. Right now I just wish I'd never even met him. My life has been turned upside down.
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oh Brooke...I'm so sorry. What a mess. But lets keep it all in perspective. And lets get your priorities in order.
First priority is YOU. Mentally and physically. Take care of YOU.
Right there next to YOU is the BABY. Take care of that BABY.
Then comes Josh and his issues.
Is there any way you can put your adoption plans on hold and just wait to see what happens when she's born? I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you love this baby. I'm worried that you like these people you've selected to adopt her. And I'm worried you are gonna feel obligated to give her to them. I'm worried that you've chosen adoption because right now in this minute you feel its the best thing to do. But you have NO idea how you are going to feel when they lay that baby girl in your arms.
Now you know I will support you in whatever choice you make. You know I have adopted and am hoping to adopt again in the future. BUT...Josh has to be on board with it. He has to sign those papers in order for the adoption to be legal. Have you talked to him about open adoption and the fact that you'll be in contact with the adoptive parents? Or does he want to parent full time? What does his parents have to say? How are YOUR parents dealing? What do THEY have to say?
In the end you just have to trust that whatever happens it's going to work out ok. You are a smart, level headed girl. God is going to point you in the right direction.
Know I'm here for you.
Brooke,
I am sorry; you are going through this:( If; Josh doesn't want to sign those adoption papers; please do not make him.
Yes; I understand you want a Josh; to make a committment; but is that fair to any of you if he is not ready?? I; always say you do not have to be married; to be a part of your child's life. And; any one will tell you; if that is the reason you are getting married; it is not a good idea. Please; talk to some one; Brooke.
This is from a blog of a birth mom.
http://younevergetoverit.wordpress.com/
"I am re-reading the list of coercions on www.originsusa.org . I am just going to delete the ones that didn’t apply to me, leaving only the ones that I experienced in the year 2003.
A. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To convince you that you were unfit as a mother and thus had to give your baby to people “more fit’ or “more deserving.”
Methods used by “Adoption Professionals”:
*You were told that you would be inadequate as a mother.
*You were told that keeping your baby would be selfish.
*You were forced to draw up a list comparing what you could give to your baby with what adopters could give.
*It was stressed to you that your baby “needed a two-parent family.”
*It was stressed to you that the needs of your baby came before your own needs and that you could not fulfill your baby’s needs.
*You are told that surrendering your baby is an expression of how much you love your baby (message: if you keep your baby then you don’t love your baby).
*You are told that adoption is “thinking about what is best for your baby.” (message: adoption is best for your baby).
*You are told that adoption is “putting your baby’s needs first.” (i.e., before your own needs. Message: your baby does not need you.)
B. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To convince you that you have an emotional obligation to surrender your baby.
Methods used by “Adoption Professionals”:
*You were told to think only of the joy that you’d “give to a couple who could not have children of their own.”
*You were told that if you changed your mind, you would be disappointing a wonderful mother who was “waiting for her first baby.”
*You were encouraged to have the adopters pay your medical or living expenses such that you felt you “owed” them your baby.
*You were encouraged to meet with the adopters and after meeting them felt you could not bear to disappoint them by choosing to keep your baby
*You were encouraged to establish a relationship with the adopters, and then “fell in love with” with them prior to surrender.
*You were encouraged to have the adopters in the labour or delivery room with you, for the birth of “their” baby, and thus you felt you could not bear to disappoint them by “changing your mind.”
C. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To remove from you all personal support systems and make you reliant on adoption professionals for advice, counselling and emotional support. To distance you from any person who might try to provide alternatives to surrender.
D. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To psychologically and physically distance you from your baby in order to increase the probability that you would surrender. To ensure that surrender of your baby was seen by you a “inevitable.”
Methods used by “Adoption Professionals”:
*Your baby was taken from you at birth by either medical professionals or prospective adopters.
*While still pregnant you were labelled a “birthmother,” to put you into the mind-set that your only role in the life of your child was to give birth.
E. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To psychologically traumatize you to decrease the chances of you bonding with your baby.
F. Financial Coercion. Purpose: To make you feel financially pressured to surrender. Note: young single mothers are often in a financially-vulnerable situation anyway and thus financial coercion is often a major factor.
*You are told, or led to believe, that no social assistance was available that would provide you with the financial support necessary to enable you to keep your baby.
*You are told near or after the birth that if you change your mind, you would be liable for paying for medical bills or other costs beyond your ability to pay.
G. Fraud. Purpose: To guarantee the surrender of your child.
Methods used by “Adoption Professionals”:
*You were told that there were no other alternatives. (information about social assistance was withheld from you).
*You were told you would “get over it” and be able to return to your “normal life.”
H. Withholding information from the mother. Purpose: To you to surrender by withholding known information about risks or negative consequences.
Methods used by “Adoption Professionals”:
*Information withheld about the known lifelong implications, risks, and emotional consequences of surrender (see www.birthmothers.info for information adoption professionals are aware of but commonly withhold)
*Information withheld about options that would enable you to keep your baby (i.e. financial assistance, temporary foster care, foster care for you and your child together, temporary guardianship, or filing through court for child support from your baby’s father)
*Information withheld about your right to independent legal counsel to explain the legal document you were signing and the legal ramifications of it and to be present in the room to protect your rights as you signed it.
*Information withheld about the existence of a “revocation of consent” period.
*You were pressured to decide on adoption while still pregnant, or to surrender your infant without being able to first care for your infant for several weeks post-partum in order to make an informed decision about motherhood?
*Information withheld from you about your right to take as many days, weeks or months as you needed before deciding on adoption, if you decided on it at all.
*Information withheld about your right to care-for and nurture your baby in the hospital.
*Information withheld about your right to take your baby home from the hospital with you.
Thus, my list. It’s actually quite depressing when read consecutively.
Coercion is alive and well, folks. Just because it’s not always in the form of a maternity home forcing drugs down throats doesn’t mean that every day women aren’t lied to and mislead.
"This post is for my 2 friends, R and E, who will probably never read this but to whom I must write.
Quivering, cold, and embarrassed
In my confession that YOU were right.
Wish I had listened
My glow has dissapated
Because your prediction was correct.
Wish I had listened
“You will regret it for the rest of your life”
Words so painful
Words so true
Wish I had listened
Wish I had listened
“Do you REALLY think you want to do this? I think you might regret it.”
No one had ever asked me that
How could you have known what I would feel?
Wish I had listened
Wish I had listened
Wish I had listened
My best interests at heart
You voiced your concern
Wish I had listened
I brushed you off
Did you really not get it?
My wonderful plan
You rained on my parade.
Wish I had listened
Wish I had listened
Wish I had listened
Now, your predictions are true
wallowing in regret………
Wish I had listened"
Brook do you really understand what adoption is? Do you really want to lose your baby forever. Do you really do not have any other options?
There will be tons of things you will not able to share with your baby? Have you ever seriously considered parenting?
before you decide at least search your options.. So that if you decide on adoption you know that you do it because you do not have any other option.
Brooke, the last two comments under me; are telling you from their own pain. We just do not want to see you live; with the pain we all live with every single day of our lives.
Kell
Brooke,
I would like for you to know that keeping your baby because you love her is perfectly fine. I was pregnant at 16 and heard the adoption stories from counselors but I loved my baby girl. We (She and I) graduated highschool at the top of our class and then graduated college. Her father and I (who was also in the Army) waited to get married. We needed to be sure that we made a planned and informed decision for marriage. She was 6 months old. It was not the easiest path but the best one for ME, HER, and her DADDY. I know the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now as you are growing up overnight, but there are many agencies to assist you with everything from medical to childcare just for taking a class. If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at kareyroberts@yahoo.com. I will keep you in my prayers and best of luck. FYI it has been 13 years and I have NEVER regretted my decision.
Kay
Dear one, maybe Josh doesn't want to lose his child, and maybe he doesn't want to see you go through what you WILL go through when you lose your child.
The pain you will experience will be forever. If you see another child, you will suffer.
Are you doing this for you, or for your child? Has anyone told you the statistics on "birthmother" suicide rates?
Has anyone showed you the statistics on adoptee suicide rates?
Your baby is best off with you. If you give that baby away, he or she WILL always know it. Nothing can take that away or undo it. EVER. And those are the ones who get the GOOD, NONABUSIVE adoptive parents.
You do know that the incidence of abuse by adoptive parents is higher per capita than of biological parents? They told you that, too, right?
And when you tell your child one day that you relinquished just because you didn't want to bebothered while you went to college, how do you rhink that will feel?
And when he finds out dad wanted him, but you didn't... how will it feel to him? That thanks to you, she lost father AND mother in one fell swoop...
You CAN keep this child. Creating an orphan is no noble act. It's a lifetime of pain for you and your child.
Help keeping your baby, and thriving together:
http://www.antiadoption.org/links.html
http://www.motherhelp.info/
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