Morning Sickness Subsiding

I am happy to report that my morning sickness has finally begun to subside. I was sick once yesterday. Once. I woke up this morning and I felt a little nauseous but I didn't puke, and the day is almost over.

I've been going to sleep with some water and vegetable Ritz crackers on my nightstand. I have been eating the crackers before I even lift my head in the morning, I think that has contributed to it. I am finally feeling some freedom from the constant sickness, thank God. This freedom has also lifted some of the depression I have been feeling. I am sure feeling sick and being sick throughout most of the day, every day, for so many days, is what has led to the depression. I am looking forward to feeling happy again.



I can't believe how much my life has changed. So dramatically. I can't even believe this is my life. Sometimes it feels like I've stepped outside of my body and I'm looking from the outside in.

Josh's graduation

I think I will wait until after June 7th to tell my family. June 7th is Josh's graduation day and I don't want to ruin it for him. I have an appointment on the 3rd of June to look over family profiles at Bethany and that I am excited about. My counselor told me that I would feel it when I find the right family. I hope so. I have so many ideas in my mind of what I want them to be like. I keep touching my belly and feeling really close to the baby lately. I want him/her to have the very best life. That is a gift I can give to him/her. That makes me feel good.



I have chosen a dress for Josh's graduation that I am really happy with. It doesn't show my tummy because it's loose fitting. It's black and spaghetti straps, not too long and not too short. He likes it too. I went shopping with Courtney for it. She insists that my belly hasn't grown, but of course it has. I notice it daily. So far I have gained 4 lbs. I hope we get through Josh's night without any difficulty. I would like for him to have one last night of praise and peace.

Prom is over

My dress was green. I spent most of the night pushing up the bust over mine. It became quite irritating. Courtney so kindly reminded me that in a few months, I'll be more filled out. Thanks Court! I think.



It was a nice night but somewhat overshadowed by a bit of depression that seems to be creeping in. I know the day is coming. The day I must tell my family about my pregnancy.



I can't even write anymore this morning

The end of another year and the beginning of the last

School is out in less than a month. I am so glad that this year is almost a part of my history. I will be so glad when I will be able to throw up in my own house without worry. I know that soon I won't be able to keep this a secret, but I hope that when I am outed, I will have my plans for adoption sealed in concrete. I hope that they will view me in some ways as responsible because I chose not to keep that appointment I made for an abortion, that I went on my own to Bethany to research the adoption option and that I've found a family for my baby, that's it's not the end of the world. That we'll all survive, that my sister and I will always be close, even though I've kept this secret from her. We are twins. Will she really understand? Will she forgive the fact that she's questioned me time and time again because she felt something was wrong, and I looked her in the eye and told her that everything was ok. Will my parents for give me? Will God forgive me? In so many ways I am scared *******. I've gone too far to turn back now. At times like this, I hate myself.

I hope next year is better than this year.

I've Got A Secret

I wanted to write more about my "secret." Yes, I'm pregnant, as obvious by my previous posts.. but I wanted to write about why its a secret, who its a secret from, and how I got here.

I am in the 11th grade. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant.
It just happened.
Sigh

I know, I've always laughed at statements just like that. How can it just happen? You know how it happens? Yes, Brooke, I know how it happens. But for me, it just did. I am that idiot that you always roll your eyes at. The girl who doesn't know how it happened.

I wasn't on the pill at first. In fact, I didn't even plan on becoming sexually active, but it happened and it was unexpected. I love my boyfriend, Josh. He means the world to me. I wasn't one of those girls who feels it necessary to fit in, or to keep the guy, or any of that. I was just me, and he was just him, and unfortunately, that, has led me to where I am today. Explaining my secret.

So, soon after it happened, I went to planned parenthood to get on the pill. No, I couldn't go to my parents. I love them to death, but I couldn't tell them this. Seriously, my parents are great people but they aren't the most understanding when it comes to issues like this. The nice lady at Planned Parenthood walked me into the room where I would be asked a ton of questions and also be given a routine pregnancy test, just in case. I sat there fiddling with my hands, my feet. Shifting my leg from one side to the other, answering the questions all the while looking over my shoulder, so scared that someone I knew would walk through the door. Soon, I found myself peeing in a cup and waiting in the waiting area. The nice lady comes back, brings me back into the private room and at this point I remember feeling so much relief, I hadn't seen anybody I knew yet, I was almost home-free. Almost.

"You're pregnant."

"I'm what?"

"You are pregnant."

I am surprised I didn't fall backwards in my chair. I can't even recall what happened from there on out. All I remember is leaving, and instead of with a package of birth control pills, I had pamphlets about healthy pregnancy, teen pregnancy, abortion and adoption in my hands. I was really shaky and I didn't want to go home. I called Courtney, my best friend, and she met me outside her house and said I could stay the night there.

So that was how my secret began. Only Courtney and Josh know. Nobody else. I couldn't tell my parents. I'd be on the first bus out of town to some maternity home, somewhere far far away like you see in the old movies from the 60s.

Morning sickness?

It's nearly 6 pm and I am still feeling extremely nauseous. Ug! I've been trying to research "morning sickness" and it appears that there are many people as unlucky as I, or I am as unlucky as them. Nonetheless, I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. And, being nauseous is making me more nauseous.



I knew that the decision to carry this baby to term would reek havoc upon my body. I fully realized that pregnancy can bring chaos to the body and the emotions that we are previously used to. However, I didn't realize that it would consume my every waking moment. I didn't realize that I'd drive a different route to school so that I could pull over and vomit with nobody watching. I didn't realize that I'd ask to be excused to the bathroom 4 times a day and I didn't realize that I'd have to begin taking my lunches to Taco Bell so that I could throw up in their outdoor bathroom, away from anybody I might know.



This pregnancy feels like it is sucking the life out of me and yet I've only just begun. Please tell me this ends at some point, some point soon?

5 years of journaling

I decided that I would join the 21st century and build a blog. I've been thinking about it for a few months. Since I have 5 years worth of journaling in spiral bound hard copies, I thought maybe this would be a more organized way to organize my thoughts, while not risking the parental units acquiring my still private information.