Josh is gone

Josh is gone and a part of me feels relieved. He was able to sign a relinquishment of his paternal rights before he left. I want to be clear due to some comments on my recent posts that I was not forcing Josh into anything. He signed at his own free will. We did disagree on the adoption. He wanted me to raise the child as a single mother and pay me child support, while seeing the baby whenever possible and being in the military, who knows how much help that would be to me.
I, on the other hand, did not want to be a single mother waiting for a 300.00 check in the mail every month in hopes that I can get diapers and food before I run out. Do I love my baby? Heck yeah! But doesn't every mother? Does a mother have to parent her child to prove her love? I want the best for the baby and I have from the beginning.

Josh is coming from a different place then me. He's not faced with what I am faced with. As I said, he just needs to budget his money a little in order to send child support. He doesn't have to worry about another year of school with a baby at his side, then college and child care, diapers, welfare and all the other issues that I would be faced with. I think he was able to see this more after he talked to the counselors.

Now I am faced with a separate dilemma, the wonderful family that I believed with all my heart was meant to be my baby's parents are uncomfortable that Josh signed prenatally after first refusing. I got a letter after talking to my counselor, but they wanted to meet with me. At least my counselor prepared me for what was going on. I was devastated. They never got to even meet Josh and discuss his feelings but they are assuming that he was pressured and they don't feel right with continuing the adoption plan with me.

This leaves me back to square one. More than that though, I am grieving the loss of what I believed was perfect. I believed with every ounce of my soul that they were the right family for this baby and even now, I still believe they have been somewhat irrational.

Josh has called me twice since leaving. He's been really nice to me each time. Last time he told me that he loved me. 3 words I haven't heard for a while. It felt nice. I think maybe our physical separation might help us both in realizing whether or not we are meant to be. Of course I hope we are because I still love him, but if not, I will deal with that and move on. I still believe he's a great guy, either way.

So there is my update and my response to some of the replies to my blog postings.

Disagreement on adoption

Josh and I disagree, hence the difference in his attitude lately. He says he will sign the adoption papers, but he doesn't want to. I find this ironic since he's going into the service. He will be gone for most of the baby's first year. When I asked him about ME, and US, together. He couldn't give me an honest answer if there would ever be marriage or even a long-term comittment of our relationship.

So I don't understand his position. I don't get it at all. He can't comitt his life to me (which is a very different story than last school year. He was all over the idea of marriage with me and moving me to where he will be when I graduate. Yet, he wants me to keep the baby so that he can pay child support and see his kid that I will be raising. Does any of this make sense to you? I feel so lost.

Yes, I'm upset that Josh and I don't seem to have a future. I broke up with him last night because I do not see the point in wasting my current emotions on something that won't be here in the long-term. Does that make me cold? He cried. Why would he cry; when he can't even say that he thinks we'll be together much longer anyway? Why be sad? I'm the one who should be sad. I am sad. I am terribly sad. I love him. Right now I just wish I'd never even met him. My life has been turned upside down.

Why I've been quiet

Hello friends!
In a recent comment, someone asked why I'm being so quiet. Don't worry, there is nothing wrong. My pregnancy is fine. I'm having a girl. I'm building a relationship with the adopting family and rebuilding one with my own. Josh and I are surviving albeit hanging on a thin thread. He's getting ready to leave for boot camp and of course he is adorable with a shaved head.

Our problems have made me begin to reaize that maybe Josh and I won't be together for life as I thought. God it's a horrible thought, but I need to be a realist. I was talking to this woman at the library and she was telling me about her high school love. She was telling me that so few high school relationships work out in the long term because we aren't completely mentally mature yet. We change. Sometimes we change in such different ways that a future together becomes impossible.

I see that happening with Josh. He is changing. He's not as outgoing as he was. He is withdrawing from me and hanging out with different people. Military people. He always said he would wait for me to graduate and join him, but then I hear a friend of his make a comment about all the women around the world he will meet. Why would he want a small town girl like me? Why wait for me? The one thing I refuse to do is keep my baby in an attempt to keep him. That is retarded. I'm not that stupid.

I love him and I hope he sticks around for the long term. He brought me flowers yesterday, so maybe I am worried for nothing, but it sure seems to me that a relationship that began in 9th grade lasting forever is really a long shot. I don't want to end up standing there looking stupid in the end. So I must face reality.

The baby is my saving grace at the moment. Her pictures are so cute. I'm no longer concerned about the weight gain because I am starting to see a little shape to my belly, her shape. It's incredible. I just keep rubbing her and talking to her and letting her know that I love her. I'm writing out a letter to her that at some point I will post here. I love her more and more each day. I asked my counselor if that was a warning sign, she said no, that is it completely normal and to keep doing it. So of course I will.

Better than wonderful

I met the baby's family. I am convinced, without any doubt, that I am making the right decision. We spent all day yesterday together and had so much fun. I love everything about them. Everything! We ended the day with a caffeine free starbucks and played a game that Kari (the mom) and I made up, which was entirely too cool. I have never met two more rockin people in my life.

I brought pictures of Josh. Kari was really understanding of my feelings about the baby and Josh and she explained to me that the problems developing between Josh and I over the adoption are most likely normal. True love will get through anything. I believe that wholeheartedly. If Josh and I are meant to be then we will be. If not, then God's plan is someone else for me.

Anywho, the weight is now really beginning to come on. I hate to sound self-centered and vain but I really hope that I don't gain too much weight. Just enough for a healthy baby will be perfect for me. I'm increasing the veggies and fruits and going to lay off of the ice cream for a while. :-)


PS: For Luann,
As of yet my parents haven't met them yet. Hopefully they will meet soon!

Found the baby's parents

I have finally met the amazing, wonderful, beautiful and PERFECT family for the baby. I am so happy to post this news and I'm sitting her smiling from ear to ear. I tell ya, I've been looking at so many parent profiles that I thought something was wrong with me. Was I being too picky I asked myself and my counselor? While she admitted that I read through more parent profiles than most other people, she assured me that I would know them when I saw them and dude she was SO right.

We meet in person tommorow morning YEAH But we've had several phone conversations and emails. The adoption will be what is referred to as a semi-open adoption. There won't be any visits, which is what I feel comfortable with but we will share lots of information and we will always have access to email one another and talk on the phone.

I fell in love with them instantly. She is a teacher who will be leaving her job until this baby is ready to go to school. He is an artist and a writer, well I guess a writer is an artist so I should probably say he is a writer and a painter. I looked into her eyes in her photographs and I saw the person that I truly believe I will be like someday, and really that is what I want for the baby. I saw pictures of them both trick-or-treating with kids, picnics with kids, swimming with kids. I saw them doing physically active things, and that is what I want for this baby.

I also saw an intense love between the two of them. That is what I want most for this baby. I want his/her parents to love each other so that I never have to worry about divorce.
I am feeling anxious and excited. I don't even know how I will sleep tonight.

The only negative is that Josh doesn't want to go. :-(
But, that's a story for another day.

Not a secret anymore

My parents know. I have to say though that I do feel a certain shame. It's hard to look my mom and dad in the eye, especially my dad. I somewhat thought that once I told them and they processed it, everything would eventually be ok. I still hope it will be. There is an odd silence around the house too and Carly is acting like she's mad. My parents said we will work through it, but I can't help but wonder exactly what they are thinking. I called about a possible living situation in a maternity home and talked to a woman named Sue. Maybe it's best that I leave here for a while. I don't know what to do.

"Came out" to my sister

Josh's graduation was on Thursday. It was so cool to watch them call his name and to mention his honors as well. One of our bff, Tim, said a speech that brought tears to my eyes realizing that a lot of my friends as well as my boyfriend will not return to school in August. The reality really hits you sorta hard. Even though I have all my up-to-11-grade- friends, I will really miss Tim, Bekka, Lisa, Jacob, Angel, Simon, Mark, Cheryl, Katie and most importantly, Josh. There were a lot of hugs and tears, promises to keep in touch, but does that really happen? Will I truly know these people in 15 years; or will they just be a memory? That thought makes me sad. I don't want just memories, I want people. I love them.

My friends went to Disneyland yesterday. Instead of opting to go with them and make up some reason why I couldn't ride the rides, I decided to stay home. They had a great time I am hearing today.

I did tell my sister - I thought she'd be shocked big time, but she wasn't. She said she knew and then showed me an email she'd written to her boyfriend about suspecting I was pregnant. Should've known..... we've always known what is happening with each other. She has very mixed feelings about me choosing adoption. Hopefully at some point we can sit and really talk about it without all the emotions getting in the way. At this point I need to tell my parents.....but I don't know how.

Feelings

As Josh's graduation day approaches, I am finding myself overwhelmed with my feelings. I have such mixed emotions. He will go into the military and I will be stuck here finishing up high school without him. Thank God I have my sister and Courtney with me. I've come to the realization that he may not be here for the baby's birth, that saddens me. It's times like this when I begin to question my decisions. What have I done? What am I losing? How will I cope? I am beginning to feel the need to tell my sister now. Not a desire, but a need. I've excluded her for too long from something so big. I will tell her today after my doctor appointment. The depression is once again rearing its ugly head. I tell it to go away. Maybe I just need to sleep. I haven't had much sleep.



I'm getting ready to go to school and then I have my doctor appointment to find out how the baby is doing. Then I will tell my sister. Baby Steps, right?

Hello June!

June 2007

I finish my junior year. Josh graduates from high school. I meet my baby's adoptive parents [hopefully] and a new life begins.

I have my first doctor appointment on Monday (June 4th) and I will hopefully then find out more information about the baby. Like when to exactly expect him/her. Him/Her = Doodle (new nickname) I am thinkng that will be in late Feburary or early March of next year. It will be nice to have a date and to find out how Doodle is doing in there. I have really made an effort to take good care of the baby. I've increased my water intake to 10 glasses a day, increased my fruits and veggies, cut down on the pizza and junk food tremendously, and I've still only gained 4 lbs. Nice!

The depression continues to lift and the morning sickness has ceased. [knock on wood] I am starting to see a rainbow in my future again, and it feels so good not to be living so low in the dumps emotionally. I don't think negative emotions are good for Doodle either. I think that unborn babies can feel the emotions of the mother, the most important reason I am glad to be feeling so good again.
The beauty of June

Morning Sickness Subsiding

I am happy to report that my morning sickness has finally begun to subside. I was sick once yesterday. Once. I woke up this morning and I felt a little nauseous but I didn't puke, and the day is almost over.

I've been going to sleep with some water and vegetable Ritz crackers on my nightstand. I have been eating the crackers before I even lift my head in the morning, I think that has contributed to it. I am finally feeling some freedom from the constant sickness, thank God. This freedom has also lifted some of the depression I have been feeling. I am sure feeling sick and being sick throughout most of the day, every day, for so many days, is what has led to the depression. I am looking forward to feeling happy again.



I can't believe how much my life has changed. So dramatically. I can't even believe this is my life. Sometimes it feels like I've stepped outside of my body and I'm looking from the outside in.

Josh's graduation

I think I will wait until after June 7th to tell my family. June 7th is Josh's graduation day and I don't want to ruin it for him. I have an appointment on the 3rd of June to look over family profiles at Bethany and that I am excited about. My counselor told me that I would feel it when I find the right family. I hope so. I have so many ideas in my mind of what I want them to be like. I keep touching my belly and feeling really close to the baby lately. I want him/her to have the very best life. That is a gift I can give to him/her. That makes me feel good.



I have chosen a dress for Josh's graduation that I am really happy with. It doesn't show my tummy because it's loose fitting. It's black and spaghetti straps, not too long and not too short. He likes it too. I went shopping with Courtney for it. She insists that my belly hasn't grown, but of course it has. I notice it daily. So far I have gained 4 lbs. I hope we get through Josh's night without any difficulty. I would like for him to have one last night of praise and peace.

Prom is over

My dress was green. I spent most of the night pushing up the bust over mine. It became quite irritating. Courtney so kindly reminded me that in a few months, I'll be more filled out. Thanks Court! I think.



It was a nice night but somewhat overshadowed by a bit of depression that seems to be creeping in. I know the day is coming. The day I must tell my family about my pregnancy.



I can't even write anymore this morning

The end of another year and the beginning of the last

School is out in less than a month. I am so glad that this year is almost a part of my history. I will be so glad when I will be able to throw up in my own house without worry. I know that soon I won't be able to keep this a secret, but I hope that when I am outed, I will have my plans for adoption sealed in concrete. I hope that they will view me in some ways as responsible because I chose not to keep that appointment I made for an abortion, that I went on my own to Bethany to research the adoption option and that I've found a family for my baby, that's it's not the end of the world. That we'll all survive, that my sister and I will always be close, even though I've kept this secret from her. We are twins. Will she really understand? Will she forgive the fact that she's questioned me time and time again because she felt something was wrong, and I looked her in the eye and told her that everything was ok. Will my parents for give me? Will God forgive me? In so many ways I am scared *******. I've gone too far to turn back now. At times like this, I hate myself.

I hope next year is better than this year.

I've Got A Secret

I wanted to write more about my "secret." Yes, I'm pregnant, as obvious by my previous posts.. but I wanted to write about why its a secret, who its a secret from, and how I got here.

I am in the 11th grade. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant.
It just happened.
Sigh

I know, I've always laughed at statements just like that. How can it just happen? You know how it happens? Yes, Brooke, I know how it happens. But for me, it just did. I am that idiot that you always roll your eyes at. The girl who doesn't know how it happened.

I wasn't on the pill at first. In fact, I didn't even plan on becoming sexually active, but it happened and it was unexpected. I love my boyfriend, Josh. He means the world to me. I wasn't one of those girls who feels it necessary to fit in, or to keep the guy, or any of that. I was just me, and he was just him, and unfortunately, that, has led me to where I am today. Explaining my secret.

So, soon after it happened, I went to planned parenthood to get on the pill. No, I couldn't go to my parents. I love them to death, but I couldn't tell them this. Seriously, my parents are great people but they aren't the most understanding when it comes to issues like this. The nice lady at Planned Parenthood walked me into the room where I would be asked a ton of questions and also be given a routine pregnancy test, just in case. I sat there fiddling with my hands, my feet. Shifting my leg from one side to the other, answering the questions all the while looking over my shoulder, so scared that someone I knew would walk through the door. Soon, I found myself peeing in a cup and waiting in the waiting area. The nice lady comes back, brings me back into the private room and at this point I remember feeling so much relief, I hadn't seen anybody I knew yet, I was almost home-free. Almost.

"You're pregnant."

"I'm what?"

"You are pregnant."

I am surprised I didn't fall backwards in my chair. I can't even recall what happened from there on out. All I remember is leaving, and instead of with a package of birth control pills, I had pamphlets about healthy pregnancy, teen pregnancy, abortion and adoption in my hands. I was really shaky and I didn't want to go home. I called Courtney, my best friend, and she met me outside her house and said I could stay the night there.

So that was how my secret began. Only Courtney and Josh know. Nobody else. I couldn't tell my parents. I'd be on the first bus out of town to some maternity home, somewhere far far away like you see in the old movies from the 60s.

Morning sickness?

It's nearly 6 pm and I am still feeling extremely nauseous. Ug! I've been trying to research "morning sickness" and it appears that there are many people as unlucky as I, or I am as unlucky as them. Nonetheless, I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of being tired. And, being nauseous is making me more nauseous.



I knew that the decision to carry this baby to term would reek havoc upon my body. I fully realized that pregnancy can bring chaos to the body and the emotions that we are previously used to. However, I didn't realize that it would consume my every waking moment. I didn't realize that I'd drive a different route to school so that I could pull over and vomit with nobody watching. I didn't realize that I'd ask to be excused to the bathroom 4 times a day and I didn't realize that I'd have to begin taking my lunches to Taco Bell so that I could throw up in their outdoor bathroom, away from anybody I might know.



This pregnancy feels like it is sucking the life out of me and yet I've only just begun. Please tell me this ends at some point, some point soon?

5 years of journaling

I decided that I would join the 21st century and build a blog. I've been thinking about it for a few months. Since I have 5 years worth of journaling in spiral bound hard copies, I thought maybe this would be a more organized way to organize my thoughts, while not risking the parental units acquiring my still private information.